On Earth, But Not At Home
by Aunt Kathy
Summary: A post-Endgame fanfic. Janeway has successfully brought her crew back to Federation space from the Delta Quadrant, but something is missing...
1. 1- Up at the Stars

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

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Kathryn Janeway watched the stars above her as she clasped the hot mug of coffee tighter in her hands and drew the woollen blanket higher around her shoulders as she sat on her mother's porch.

She had done this numerous times as a child, finding solace and comfort in the navy depth of the vast expanse above her, hoping that someday she would be amongst the stars as her father had been before her, along with so many of her other heroes. Tonight, however, any comfort to be found above her eluded her and she shivered involuntarily, feeling a sudden cold that had beginning to seep in from all around and make her feel even more isolated.

She sighed deeply. Voyager had been back in Federation space for over six months now, the members of the crew suddenly going their separate ways now their long journey had finally come to an end. Tom, B'Elanna and Miral were staying with B'Elanna's father (Owen Paris was still struggling to come to terms with his son's marriage to the fiery half-Klingon, something which had surprised Kathryn greatly, as she had thought the admiral an accepting person. Obviously she had been wrong). Harry was a rising star, having been promoted to the rank of full Lieutenant he was now completing training in various areas, including that on Command. Kathryn knew that he would make a strong commanding officer in the future, but she was glad that he had continued to have Operations and Communications as his area of expertise. Tuvok had been offered a post to teach aspiring Tactical officers at the academy, which he would take up after a year that he was spending on Vulcan with his family. Chakotay and Seven had gone to Chakotay's home planet to aid in the re-building of the civilisations there. Her former First Officer had resigned from Starfleet almost immediately upon arriving back, something which Kathryn had mixed feelings about. On the one hand she was glad that he seemed more content now than he had done during their last few years in the Delta Quadrant. On the other hand it meant that she was unlikely to see either of them in the near future, especially now that all the political charade of their return, countless gruelling debriefings and mind-numbingly dull Starfleet ceremonies had now come to a close. In the eyes of the Federation they were all heroes, welcomed back after a long journey that was openly acknowledged to have been 'hard' on each and every one of them. Kathryn scoffed quietly and shook her head slightly.

_'Hard'? 'Hard' doesn't even begin to describe it!_ She thought to herself, her mind flooding with memories of countless Red Alerts, gruelling battles, the damage that they had sustained over and over again, the losses that they had suffered-

The faces of those she had lost along the way suddenly filled her vision. 'The Casualties of the Voyage' as they had been dubbed by the press. But those figures only counted the official members of the crew that had died 'in the line of duty'. The real figure was far greater. There were the numerous innocents that had died during the seven long years that they had spent in the Delta Quadrant.

_As a result of MY mistakes._ A tear slid down Kathryn's cheek as she recalled those that were not among those on the official records: those who had been unfortunate enough to become caught in the cross-fire between them on more than one occasion, those innocents who had died either directly or indirectly as a result of the decisions she had taken to get her crew home. The families who had suffered unnecessary grief as a result of the length of their absence. Relationships that had crumbled between her crew and loved ones back in the Alpha Quadrant. And those friends that she had lost along the way… the Borg children, Kes, Neelix- she had never thought that there would be a moment where she would miss his incessant ramblings, or his cooking. She smiled slightly as she imagined the short, stout Talaxian, desperately trying to convince her of something with the hopes of 'boosting morale'. However annoying Neelix may have been, his heart had certainly always been in the right place, always eager to do something in the interests of the crew.

_Unlike you_, she thought to herself bitterly. She had tried to put the crew first as much as she could without compromising protocol or her own principles, something that had failed from the beginning of their journey with the destruction of the Caretaker's Array.

No matter how long she tried to convince herself that her actions had been the right ones, she always came back to the moment when she decided to destroy their means of getting home. If she had been strong enough to see that this was what they needed to get home from the beginning, none of the losses would have occurred.

But then so many other things would not have happened either. She would not have found as many great friends amongst her crew, and she would never have fallen into such a blind love. Her crew would not have become a family. Other species would have died, the Borg would have continued to become even stronger. Most importantly, she would not have met the one person whom she had come to value above all else.

_But it's too late for that now, Katie._

Yes it was. It was far too late to do anything about the relationship between Chakotay and Seven. She should have acted sooner-

_And done what exactly? You were bound by protocol. You never would have gone through with it._

She would just have to hope that the two of them would be happy together. After all, a stable relationship was the one thing that she could never be in a position to promise anyone. The two of them deserved to be happy.

_But not with me._

Kathryn closed her eyes, a tear escaping from under her lashes and rolling gently down her right cheek.

For seven years she had tirelessly strived to get her crew, her friends… her family back into Federation space. To get them home.

But now that she was back on Earth, the loneliness that she had expected to leave behind her in the Delta Quadrant had only increased.

She might have been on Earth, but she would come home. No. Home was the one place that seemed determined to evade her.

Kathryn Janeway opened her eyes and looked up at the stars above her as she clasped the hot mug of coffee tighter in her hands and drew the woollen blanket higher around her shoulders.

Her home was now in the stars. She was certain of it. And she was determined to get back out there again as soon as was possible.

And with that, Captain Janeway finished her coffee, wiped the tears from her face and sat up a little straighter, squaring her shoulders.

For her the search for home would continue.

For her, the journey would never be over.

She would take another deep space mission, command another ship, another crew. But this time she would make sure that no hearts other than hers would be broken…


	2. 2- Watching the Sunrise

****Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with Trek. Wish I did, though...(sigh...)

A/N: I will NOT apologize for taking so long to post this chapter, because it won't be the last time it happens. However, I WILL apologize for my descriptions of the Indiana countryside- I've never been, and am going on what a commonly used search engine tells me. :D

Dedications: Gene Roddenberry, Jeri Taylor and Kate Mulgrew, because I've never had the pleasure of meeting any of them. Although I do realize how unlikely it is that they will ever read this. Especially the first one.

Thank Yous: To my beta, who is feeling a little under the weather- get well soon, honey. And I'm sorry for any mistakes I may have accidentally added since you looked this over. :)

AK :)

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The first thing that Kathryn Janeway was aware of the next morning was a strong pounding behind her eyes.

She groaned as her body slowly woke up, her eyes still shut as she tried to block out the bright orange glow that the early hours of the morning had brought.

Shielding her eyes from the sunrise with one hand, she gradually brought herself into a sitting position, the slightest movement causing her head to spin.

_Well Katie, that's what you get for spending the night outside on a hard bench_, she grumbled internally as she waited for the throbbing sensation in her skull to subside.

Eventually it did, and she opened her eyes slightly to a view that, a few months ago, she would have given anything to see. The green fields of Indiana stretched as far as she could see, blossoms on the trees blowing in the wind as spring reached its end and summer approached. She could hear the sharp, clear melodies of the birds all around her, but most stunning of all was the sun.

The entire sky was set alight under the intensely burning sphere, the few clouds that hung in the sky bathed in colors that ranged from a light peach to the richest gold.

It was a sight that she had longed for during her time of _Voyager_, and one that she had wished to wake up to every day. Therefore she found it somewhat odd that the onslaught of emotions that she would expect to accompany a sight like this did not come, far from it.

_Surely I should at least regret not enjoying this_, she thought. After all, it was a simulation that she had run enough times on the holodeck whilst in the Delta Quadrant, wasn't it? Kathryn found it odd that a sight which she had longed to see for so long could make her so-

_Determined to leave again. I never thought that there would be a time when I would prefer staring up at unknown stars rather than the view that I had enjoyed from my bedroom window growing up._

A call from inside the house snapped her out of the philosophical debate that she had almost continued from last night, a debate that she had been struggling with for the past few weeks since being back at home-

_No, being back in Indiana_, she corrected herself. However, this morning she felt that she had come another step closer to finally finding the resolve to the debate. Earth was no longer for her.

_I'll take the next available command out. Preferably it'll be some kind of deep space mission that will keep me away for a few months. I need to get away from this place, from this planet. Everything here reminds me of what I know I need to put behind me._

The voice called her again:

"Kathryn! Are you still upstairs? I know that you wouldn't dare be late for breakfast!"

The woman on the porch bench groaned quietly at her mother's harsh tones. Then she grinned. She might have been able to manipulate Devore Inspection teams, stand up to the Q Continuum, face the Borg Queen alone and command her crew whilst they were under attack from any number of hostile aliens, but the one thing that would always make her crumble was a withering look from her mother.

Suddenly a thought dawned on her.

_How the HELL am I going to explain to Mom that I want to take another command?_

She took a deep, steadying breath, psyching herself up for the conversation that awaited her inside and, picking up the blanket that she had slept under and the cup, which had fallen to the floor at some point last night, she stood up and walked back inside, trying hard not to over think the task ahead of her.

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Any and all comments welcome. AK :)


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